Waiting on Sunshine: pt. 4/6

Another year passed, it was now summer 2019. I still felt like our daughter was “out there” but I was less sure what that meant. Maybe she was “out there” waiting to be born. Maybe she was “out there” and we’d adopt her when she was 17. It was maddening having this feeling, this connection to a daughter I felt so sure was there but not knowing how to get to her.

I’d kept in contact with Bonus Buddy’s biological parents and met up with them a couple times just to say hey and check in. They reached out to me again, this time to tell me they were pregnant… and wanted to know if Daniel and I would adopt this baby.

I wanted to just say yes. It was so simple, no DCFS, no agency, just instantly becoming parents. It would be perfect, I loved them, we could provide this baby with a great life and provide them with a great open adoption. But our life was insane at that point. Ezra had recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. After over a year of pushing Oliver’s medical providers they were finally realizing I was right and he had serious complications with his respiratory system, giving him chronic pneumonia. Adding another child, especially one that seemed likely to also have additional needs felt like too much. Daniel was adamant this just wouldn’t work, especially with all we already had going on. “But, the girl! OUR girl. What if this is her? Maybe it’ll be a boy,” I thought, then it’d be easier to accept that this just wasn’t a good fit right now.

I went with them to find out the gender of their baby. It was a girl.

Daniel still wasn’t on board and there came a moment where I just knew I couldn’t be her mom. There was this firm, calm feeling that this just wasn’t our child. There was no reason to push Daniel, I knew I needed to step back and instead help her biological parents get her where she belonged. The couple who adopted Bonus Buddy weren’t an option to adopt her either. I told my very pregnant friend I couldn’t adopt her baby and asked if she and baby’s dad wanted me to reach out to a couple I had in mind and had already mentioned to them earlier. She was due in the next few weeks, so as soon as they gave me the green light I got on the phone and called my other friend, the one who’d felt a connection to Bonus Buddy.

Me: “Heeeeyyy so remember Bonus Buddy?”

Friend: “Yeah” (she said this in a very “You mean the baby I super loved and made me want to be a mom, um yeah, of course I do” kind of way)

I explained the situation to her and asked if they were still interested in adopting. She said yes but that I should probably know she too was super pregnant but with a little boy. I was shocked, so shocked I don’t remember much of how the rest of the conversation went. I do remember I asked if they still wanted to adopt this little girl anyway. She said she’d talk to her husband and they’d get back to me and probably have a lot of questions.

I remember I was in the car with Daniel and the kids, driving up the hill on this highway by our house when these friends called me back. “We’re in,” they said. They had no questions, they felt great about becoming this little girl’s parents. Two days later I picked up baby girl’s biological parents and drove them to meet my other friends. On the car ride over I told them a little about the hopeful adoptive parents they were about to meet. I didn’t want to overdo it and risk making all their conversations into “Oh yeah, Jess already told us that.” I hoped it would work, for all of them I hoped it was a good fit. I had prepped both sides, giving them just a few small bits of information I hoped would help their meeting flow more smoothly than going in blind.

When we walked in and met together there was this moment where it kind of hit me how incredible it was that we were here. If my friend hadn’t been brave enough to approach me two years ago and say she felt a connection to Bonus Buddy then this whole series of events wouldn’t have unfolded this way. If she hadn’t followed that feeling and I hadn’t listened to her then she and her husband wouldn’t be sitting across from the biological parents of their future daughter. Before even leaving the meet up Bonus Buddy’s biological parents had decided yes, they wanted this couple to adopt their baby girl.

I connected my friends with Utah Adoption Specialists and they immediately set to work. This soon-to-be-mom and dad finished about 6 months worth of paperwork and homestudy process in less than a week in order to be legally ready to adopt her. I loved it. I loved that despite being super pregnant and already prepping for their little boy my friend and her husband turned around every piece of paperwork at lightening speed, and I loved that Utah Adoption Specialists understood this girl was coming any day and did everything they could to have everything ready.

Eight days after calling them, their little girl was born.

From a facebook post, 13 October 2019:

“This summer was bonkers. Nestled into all that craziness was this beautiful little soul. Now that things have settled both for them and for us I want to share a pretty incredible experience I was lucky to be a part of. At the end of August I spent a weekend in the hospital with two parents we’d fostered for previously while they gave birth to their daughter then placed her for adoption with her forever parents. It was an incredibly beautiful and humbling experience.

I’ve known both the biological and adoptive parents for a few years now. When the biological parents became pregnant they called me and asked if Daniel and I would adopt their little girl. I always like to have a backup plan, an “if this doesn’t work then it’ll be okay because we’ll do this” kind of a thing. When they asked us to adopt I explained some of our reservations and reasons why I wasn’t sure we were the right place for her. I asked them if we couldn’t do it then what kind of a life did they want for her, what kind of people would they want to be her parents. “We want her to go to someone like you” her birth father said. I assured him there is no one exactly like the perfectly awkward mess of candor that is me but that I did have what I thought was a really good fit for her, for her situation, and for them. I then told them about these friends, her adoptive parents. I tried to make it work so that she could come to us, we tried to wrap our heads around it, but there were a lot of reasons why this private adoption (not through the state or an agency) just wasn’t in the cards for this little girl and our family.

On Aug. 15th I knew it was time and I called the adoptive parents, asking if they’d be interested in adopting this little girl (they were). The 5 of us met together two days later where the birth parents decided on the spot these were the people they wanted to adopt their little girl. I think I cried more than anyone there as I looked at these 4 people I love and care for and the little girl on the way, knowing this was the beginning of the next miraculous chapter of her story.

Less than a week later this beautiful little girl came into the world with her birth father and I at her birth mom’s side and her adoptive mom and dad just a few minutes behind.

So much of our last 5 years as foster parents led up to, and prepared me to help all three sides (adoptive parents, bio parents, and baby) through that weekend. I spent the next day going back and forth between hospital rooms showing the new parents how to help her with withdrawals, how to feed and swaddle, what to expect if she moved to the NICU, etc., then going to the birth parents and talking through what they were feeling, what to expect leading up to and after signing papers, and all the good they hoped for their little girl and the life ahead of her (as well as getting lots of ice 🙂). I was able to help guide conversations about openness in adoption and how to help all of them have a healthy relationship moving forward. I was able to provide context for the adoptive parents, teach them about the effects of abuse and neglect to help them understand a lot of why these birth parents are the way they are and live the way they live, and at the same time understand how far they’ve really come from the situations they grew up in.

The adoptive parents have become two more healthy people in the lives and support system of these birth parents. This sweet little soul skipped a lot of hardship and went straight to the mom and dad who will have her forever, and these birth parents made a choice for their daughter that they said is one of the first parenting choices they feel proud of. All four of them are now off to a great start in what will hopefully be a positive, life-long relationship and I can’t believe I was lucky enough to get to be part of this beautiful experience. I keep thinking about all that had to come together for this to happen and how incredibly thankful I am that I was trusted to help.“

This sweet little girl is living a great life with her mom, dad and “twin” brother who was born just a few weeks later. She is this beautiful, healthy, strong, smiley little girl who adores her parents and brother. Her sweet smile is seriously the best thing, you can’t help but light up when you see it. She’s surrounded by loads of extended family who welcomed her with open arms and parents who are perfectly suited for her. Her parents teach family and friends about adoption and healthy adoption language and have put in the work to ensure she grows up surrounded by loving people who honor her story. I also earned the title of her Fairy Godmother which I love. 🙂 Once again I was able to help play a part in putting a family together. Once again we were in a position to help a little soul get to their parents.