I couldn’t believe it. When she came to us she already had a departure date but now she could be adopted and I wanted her to stay, 100%. There was just one minor detail standing in the way. Daniel didn’t feel like she was supposed to stay. From my earlier post, The Final Chapter of Two Babies:
“The day it was decided she wouldn’t be able to go home marked the start of the most marital stress we’ve ever, EVER experienced in our almost 10 years of marriage.
I knew immediately that I wanted to be her mom, but I also knew Daniel was hesitant. He didn’t feel right about it.
I didn’t have room for “feeling about it” which really should have been another sign to me to pump the breaks. I’m all about praying and following my gut in foster care. There’s no room for ego or pushing your own will when it comes to the best interest and the intended fate of these awesome kids.
There was constant discussion and debate. Daniel tried hard to come around to my side. He tried and tried to get more attached (even though he already was), he tried lots of other things, he even considered just sucking it up for me and the kids and letting her stay even though he didn’t feel right about it.”
We tried and tried to come to a resolution but the conversation always went something like this…
Me: “I love her. This is my baby. I want her to stay.”
Daniel: “I love her too. I don’t think she’s supposed to stay.”
Me: “Okay, interesting point. I hear what you’re saying. I want her to stay.”
Daniel: “I know you love her, I’m trying to get on board, but I still just don’t feel like she’s supposed to stay.”
Me: “K, except that she SHOULD stay because I want her to stay and she should stay, sooooo…”
We decided to go to some couples counseling to get help facilitating more productive conversation. We wanted to figure this out together but couldn’t get past the loop of “I want her to stay/I don’t think she should stay.”
And more from The Final Chapter of Two Babies…
“I cried, cried some more, stress-ate my weight in sweets and comfort food, worked out, and kept a notepad on my phone with a list of reasons why we should adopt her. I refused to accept that we might not adopt her.”
(I really did keep a list on my phone and at the end of the day when we went to bed I’d go over with Daniel the new reasons I had come up with for why he should let Baby Girl stay.)
“At the same time I knew if Daniel didn’t come around then she couldn’t stay. Kids shouldn’t be raised in a home where both parents aren’t 100% into them being there. I knew it wouldn’t be good for her, our family, or our marriage.
One night there was this moment where I somehow came to be in possession of both strength and clarity at the same time. I told Daniel, ‘If you’re absolutely, 100% sure letting her go is the right thing then I need you to see it through. No matter how upset I get, or how angry, or heartbroken, I need you to keep going and stand your ground if you’re sure it’s the right choice, no matter how hard it gets.’
Time kept dragging on and the stress was slowly killing all of us. I finally set a deadline. I picked a day that would be after a few therapy sessions and a short family trip. I knew if Daniel still didn’t feel right about it after that then he wasn’t going to change his mind.”
I didn’t understand it. My gut had always been right when it came to our work as foster parents, but with Baby Girl I just wasn’t getting any kind of feeling about her staying or going. There was nothing but me and my own voice wanting to be with her forever.
The deadline I’d given myself came, July 31st. We’d known since June 4th that she wouldn’t be able to go back home and now it was time to make the final decision on if she’d be staying. I gave it the entire day, trying to stretch every minute to give room for some kind of miracle. The night came, final prayers were said, and I knew for sure I had to let this sweet little girl go.
What I didn’t know that night was that a few miles away her future mom and dad had recently sent home their own foster placement. If we had instantly decided Baby Girl wasn’t staying then DCFS would’ve been looking for her mom and dad before they were available. If I hadn’t hesitated so hard on letting her go then the timing wouldn’t have worked out, her mom and dad would’ve still had their temporary bonus kiddos and DCFS wouldn’t have considered them. Little miss “Baby Girl” made it to her mom and dad. They are so perfect for her and it’s crazy how much she looks like them. They were protective of us during her transition, making sure our family was okay at every turn. I’m so grateful for all the care her mom and dad gave our kids as they adjusted to not having Baby Girl as their foster sister anymore. They’re beautiful people with beautiful, compassionate hearts and I just love them. I love that I get to see “Baby Girl” grown up and especially that she landed in such a perfect place.
The night it was finally decided Baby Girl wasn’t going to stay I stood in our backyard looking out at the view of the valley. I finally had peace. I was heartbroken but resolute. While looking out at the valley the feeling in my bones came back stronger than ever. I knew our daughter was out there. I knew she’d already been born. Daniel now also had the same feeling, he too knew a girl was coming. From our backyard we can see about 30 miles of valley, covering about 14 cities. I looked out on a specific suburb across the valley from us and thought, “I think she’s over there.” Then I nervously laughed at myself and chalked up that specificity to just coping with the heartbreak of letting Baby Girl go.
Jess Building Joy 
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