Let us be the pod

A bereaved mother Orca has been carrying the body of her baby around for over two weeks.

This Mama, J35, lost her baby. They believe J35 has lost two babies before.

The behavior isn’t entirely new, mother orcas have been known to “hold” their babies for a day or two after a death, but this length of time has never been observed before.

Mama J35 is still surrounded by her pod while she carries the body of her lost little calf, long after it’s clear her baby is truly gone.

Guys, my heart.

Our grief doesn’t always need what we (or those around us) think it should need.

Sometimes what a person needs in their grief is going to make the people around them uncomfortable. It might have their family and friends questioning if they’re really handling the situation the way they should.

Let us be the pod. When the J35s in our life are mourning let us stand in solidarity, supporting what they need in their grief. J35’s baby is gone. Her keeping her baby near the surface will not bring them back. But for right now this is what she needs. This Mama’s heart needs to keep holding her baby. None in her pod are nudging the baby’s body away from this grieving mother. They are there, continuing in their role for this mother while she does what she feels she needs to do in her grief.

Before our miscarriages and Noah’s death I was not the support a friend needed in her grief. She was the first friend I knew who had a miscarriage. I didn’t know what to do or say and so I did and said nothing. I avoided it. That was the one silver lining to our first miscarriage was that I knew I would never again leave a friend alone or be silent when I saw them grieving in a way I didn’t know how to handle. Reaching out at all, even awkwardly and uncertainly, is better than disappearing.

Be the pod for the J35s in your life. Ask what they need and then support it. Don’t let your discomfort with their grief drive you away. Don’t look away, see the pain and stand with them through it.

To those grieving, listen to your crushed soul and give it what it needs, even if that means metaphorically carrying the body of your baby around weeks after their soul has left it.